I'm not tired
I'm not hungry
So what's wrong?
I don't want to have to look at my job history and feel like the story it tells is that I'm utterly incapable of performing the tasks they need to have done.
I'm a fraud.
I shouldn't even be applying for this job.
It's a waste of my time and hers. I won't get it. I will have gone through the trouble to prepare for nothing. Might as well not prepare.
And just waste the time on games. Then the time will come, I'll fail, and I can go back to spend time with my family who doesn't like me. And I can continue being sad, because I'll never be happy. There's no point to this. Any of this. It's awful, and it'll never get better. Every thing that happens only makes my life worse into a downward spiral of sadness and misery, and nothing will ever make it better. It's all downhill from here until I die alone and in pain with no money and everything I own thrown away because it doesn't matter to anyone. A lifetime of things carefully chosen and preserved, and it's all garbage. Meaningless. My life is meaningless. I have no posterity, no legacy, and it doesn't matter that I ever lived. No one knows me, no one loves me, and no one cares. There is no hope. There is no joy. It will never get better. Nothing I do makes a difference. Nothing I do matters. So why do? Why care? Why try? It's all garbage. Meaningless, worthless garbage. Nobody cares. So why should I?
I feel sad. There's no real reason to. I should be happy. Someone thinks I'm worth interviewing. Maybe they're right. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I am good enough. Talented enough. Have the skills they need for me to perform the work they need done. Maybe this is it. Maybe I'm enough. I want this. Good job, good pay, good location, good hours, good work, good cause. I'll be able to be proud of what I do. I'll be able to answer "what do you do there?" without feeling guilty or ashamed.
Maybe I can do this.
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